JEALOUSY. Abusers may say that jealousy is a sign of love in a relationship. Popular cultureoften reinforces this notion. Jealousy is usually a sign of possessiveness and insecurity and may lead to isolation of the targeted victim and other abusive behaviors.
SUDDEN OR EXTREME EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT. Abusers often come on like a “whirlwind” in a new relationship. Often this is expressed by saying things such as, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to” or “I’d be nothing without you.” The abuser may pressure the dating partner into committing to the relationship before she’s ready and may later make it difficult for the partner to end the relationship.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR. An abuser may say the controlling behavior is because of deep care about the partner or concern about the dating partner’s safety and future. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may try to influence the partner’s decisions about clothing, how time and money are spent, etc.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS/FEELINGS. Abusers may feel that “everyone is out to get them” or that someone is “always doing them wrong.” Abusers may blame their dating partners for anything that goes wrong. As the abuse gets worse, abusers usually blame their victims for making them behave in an abusive manner, etc.
USE OF FORCE DURING INTIMACY. An abuser may try to hold his partner down during intimacy. The abuser also may show little or no concern for the dating partner’s intimate desires.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Abusers often expect dating partners to meet all of their needs and may say things such as, “If you loved me, you would” or “I’m all you need.”
VERBAL ABUSE. Verbal abuse can involve playing mind games, name-calling, humiliation or making the partner feel guilty, shamed and embarrassed.
ISOLATION. Abusers often try to cut their dating partners off from all resources and people who are important to the victim. They may accuse these supportive people of causing trouble or getting in the way of the relationship.
PAST ABUSE. Abusers may tell their dating partners that they have used violence before, but only if “their partner made them do it.” If the current partner stays long enough, it is likely that they will be abused also.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE. This can be any threat of physical force meant to control the partner, such as, “If I can’t have you, no one will,” “You’ll be sorry if you leave me” or “You’re nothing without me” or “I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
EQUALITY. Unlike an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, a relationship based on equality is one in which the dating partners are on “an even playing ground.” One partner is not trying to control or get power over the other. Each person respects the other for his/her skills, abilities, talents, and gifts. Each helps the other grow and shine in ‘who’ they are.
NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS. Problems or struggles are a part of every relationship. In relationships based on equality couples seek mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accept change and are willing to talk and compromise.
NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR. This involves talking and acting so that dating partners feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves and being involved in the kinds of activities that interest them.
RESPECT. This implies that the dating partners don’t stand in the way of the other person growing and changing. It also means listening to each other non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming and understanding as well as valuing each other’s opinions.
HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY. In a relationship based on equality, dating partners accept responsibility for themselves and their actions. They admit when they are wrong and communicate openly and truthfully.
SEXUAL RESPECT. It is important to respect each other’s feelings and the right to have control over one’s own body. This means understanding the difference between love, sex and intimacy.
PARTNERSHIP. This involves treating a dating partner as an equal and a whole human being. It also means respecting the partner’s decisions and opinions, listening , and sharing responsibilities based on skills, interests and abilities.
CULTURAL RESPECT. Each of us has a cultural heritage and background. In no culture do people enjoy being emotionally or physically abused in intimate relationships. Cultural respect involves partners allowing each other to be who they are and respecting the other’s path as equally important as their own.
